Of me: safely married & blessed with 2 sons

After 8 years. Alhamdulillah, am married. 

Today marks my 6th year of motherhood. 

There are plenty of rooms of improvement i need to make change. 

There are so much things to learn and adapt. To relearn and unlearn too. 

Let's count the blessings i have.

1. A good husband - he's not Mr. perfect 10. Of coz, as a human, he's his own flaws. Nevertheless, if i were to make a list of his flaws and his good sides, the good sides would never be defeated by his flaws. Looking at the mirror, me as a wife, does have my own flaws that making me that imperfect wife. 

i thank Allah for my husband. He protects me. He provides me. Following the guide of this religion. There's no reason for me to complain. All i need is patience and wise. 

2. Two healthy sons. The eldest is an active boy just as how a boy should be. Same goes to the second born. They complement each other, so far as i observe. i just hope their bonding won't break as they grow up. i also pray that i could treat them fairly as in not to be zalim for them by putting things wrongly. i hope i won't be that mother who's obviously bias towards her children. As the eldest is going to be in primary school soon, i'm quite nervous to enter that new phase of motherhood. i hope my eg-tukar will be granted in the next announcement. 

Of motherhood, i also need patience and that wise thingy. 

going through this life, 

i never imagine that 

i could be married

i could be a mother

i could lost someone i love dearly

i could be frustrated of what i didn't ask for

8 years.

Some people left me... Allah loves them more. May Allah bless them. 

i lost my grandpa on my mom's side in 2020.

i lost my grandma on my mom's side in 2023. 2023 was my sad year. my girlcrush's father also left us in Ramadan that year. 

i lost my grandma on dad's side in 2024. 

100 days later, 2025, i lost my brother. 

i thought, i could have a break on losing people. 

2026, my primary classmate left us. then, in Ramadan, few days before raya last month, my dad's aunt whom i feel close to, also left us. 

of these loss, the grievance couldn't stop us to live.

we could not stop living at the moment. 

we could not trap ourselves in the emotions because we still have each other who're still alive. 

it IS NOT easy. 

i feel like adulting is challenging. 

i just couldn't move on. 

that's it. 

i'm not writing anything related to work. not into it. 

what's the same in me since 8 years ago is that me who's still lost and searching my soul in this carreer. 

Of me: am i being truthful?

Am i being truthful to my deeds?

Am i being truthful to my Robb?

Am i being truthful to myself?

Am i being truthful?

Of me: career.

Some people think career is a way to earn. To get ur pay to make ends meet.

Some people think career is going for ur passion. Doing something that makes u happy. Satisfied.

What about me?

Am not sure.

Why am i here?

I know my reason.

I want to contribute something. Yet, i think am not capable of doing that in this field. :(

I also chose to be here to be a better me. For this, i think i have learnt a lot about life. Little did i know that the people's struggle is real. Their empty pockets. Their temporary jobs. Their children's empty stomach.

Those are 2 strong reasons of mine.

And this path. Career.

Hm. I'll continue this entry later.

Pretend.

Am not pretending.

Denial.

Am okay.

Am not pretending.

Everything is just going on as not what i planned, but His plan.

Situation got out of hands. Of my hands.

I'm telling myself to, please, understand.

I'm telling myself to, please, have faith.

Eventho death may come before, just live well.

I sing to myself, "i hope you understand... it can happen to anyone of us..." (gareth gates).

There's nothing i can do best other than, pray. Pray.
Make du'a.
Make du'a.
Make du'a.

I have no one to turn to other than my LORD.

No one can do anything about this other than asking my LORD to control everything the way HE's pleased with.

I cant cry.
I cant really laugh tho.
I cant smile sincerely.

I just can only smirk or give my straight face.
I just can only be me who is cold due to my anxiety.

Shutting down.

I feel like shutting down all kinds of comunication for few days.

I want to keep myself to myself.

May i?

Struggle.

The struggle is real.

Empty pocket.

Empty stomach.

Empty heart.

Empty brain.

Stucked.

Cry.

Tears tank is too dry to flow droplets.

Just, shutting down from interactions would be good.

Inevitable to do that tho.

For that i know it wud be asked for that they are my responsibilities.

To live is hard.

Am very afraid.

Am very worried.

Those unnecessary worries and guilts are gathered unconsciously.

I feel lazy.

Slack.

Can i go to somewhere and just keep myself to myself?

Of me: emptiness.

Again.

Ain't being alone as in no body is around me.

But, i feel all alone.

Feeling of being handicapped to do anything.

And can i withdraw that decision?

Oh Allah, i ask for ur protection!